Six Other Ways To Kill A 'Sue
by JealousOfTheMoon
Summary: We've seen what happens when a 'Sue enters the storyline of the first book...but what about the other six? Can a Mary Sue survive those? Rated for repeated death of unwanted character.
1. MN: Take 1

_Dear Readers: _

_As I contemplated the many directions which HTKANMS could potentially take, I was constantly assaulted by ideas for a How To Kill A Narnian Mary Sue In The Other Six Books story. I scribbled down the ideas as they came to me, hoping they would go away and leave me alone so I could work on other things. The more I wrote them, the more I liked them, and so I tried to think of a way to publish them. I knew I didn't want to write a HTKANMS-length story for each of the six other books because that would be just plain tedious. _

_In that light, I humbly submit _"Six Ways To Kill A 'Sue." _There's one for each book (each taking place towards the beginning of the books), somewhere around drabble-length, and I'm posting them one-per-chapter. I've got all six written out, so I'm listing this story as complete (but I'm not going to post all six at once). I have come up with more ideas than the six, though, so if this idea takes off with my readers I'll post more (in other words, let me know if you want more of this!). _

_God bless, _

JotM

**Six Other Ways To Kill A (Narnian) Mary Sue**_  
by JealousOfTheMoon_

**1. **Magician's Nephew: Take 1

The dim attic room contained two figures, both bent over a table on which appeared to be a box.

"I don't know," Andrew Ketterly said doubtfully. "I was _going_ to use a hamster for this…but if you insist…I'll let you be my next experiment subject, Mary Sue."

"Oh, goody!" Mary Sue exclaimed, shutting her eyes tight with excitement while Uncle Andrew busied himself fussing about with some powder. "Now I'll get to go to the Wood Between Worlds, and meet Digory, and Poly, and tell them all about everything, and then maybe Digsy will fall in love with me when he's wowed by my awesome knowledge—"

_POW!_

The explosion made Uncle Andrew spring back with a yell. The Mary Sue had vanished.

"Oops…"


	2. PC: Take 1

_Readers et al:_

_Thank you all so much for your reviews! They really make my day! _

_Several people wondered why the MS is slightly more coherent/knowledgeable, so here's my reasoning: for a Mary Sue to enter these plots, she has to be at least vaguely familiar with the books. Maybe she listened to the tapes. Who knows? I just figured that to be in these, she couldn't be quite __as dumb as anyone could be in LWW. Of course, this one is Prince Caspian, and there is a movie out about it, but I haven't seen it yet! (Perhaps when I have, I'll write a stand-alone where the Mary Sue and Susan fight over Caspian while the Mary Sue continues to woo Peter…we'll see.) _

_As I said, I haven't seen the movie yet, so while this chapter does give it a slight nod, it is still decidedly bookverse._

_-JotM_

**2.** Prince Caspian: Take 1

"Quick, Peter!" Out of seemingly nowhere, a beautiful girl appeared on the train platform beside him. Peter blinked. When he did nothing else, she continued exasperatedly: "It's Narnia—pulling us back!"

"Err…" Peter furrowed his brow. "Who are you? What are you doing here? Where did you come from? And how do _you_ know about Narnia?"

Needless to say, Mary Sue was thrown for a loop. You see, she's quite used to appearing on the scene of most anywhere and being received without question. The 'Sue began to panic.

"There's no time for that!" she cried frantically, stamping her foot in what she thought a mature, confident fashion. "Narnia is pulling you guys in and _I'm going too!_ Now grab hands!"

Susan, although she hadn't been paying much attention to Mary, now seemed to realize that something tremendous was going on, for she cried almost at the same time as Mary had: "Hold hands!"

Peter gave a look of disgust. "I'm not holding _her_ hand!"

Mary Sue was too shocked to seize his hand anyway, or even give him a look of winning charm. As she gaped, the Four vanished, and she was left on the platform.

"Noooo!" she cried. "Peeeeeterrrr!"

And she threw herself in the path of the oncoming train.

Of course, according to Mary Sue, the conductor (hunky, hopefully) was _supposed_ to brake because of her great beauty and take her out for a coffee and fall in love with her.

But he didn't.

He was eighty-six, after all.


	3. VDT: Take 1

_Thanks to everyone for the reviews! I'll admit I'm not as satisfied with this one as I was with the former two…but what can I do? Here she is._

**3. **Voyage of the Dawn Treader: Take 1

"Of course you can come in, Mary Sue," Alberta Scrubb smiled at the girl standing at her front door. Alberta Scrubb rarely ever smiled, even for her precious pig of a son Eustace, so the fact that she smiled here shows you the quality of Mary Sue's character—that is, that Alberta deemed her worthy of smiling at. "Eustace Clarence and Those Kids are upstairs in the spare room, go right on—"

But the girl was already dashing past her up the stairs, as if she had no time to lose—and she didn't! She knew that any moment now, the two youngest Pevensies and their awful cousin would be sucked into Narnia—and she had to get up there fast enough to get sucked in as well.

Mary Sue flung the bedroom door open, just in time to catch a glimpse of the Pevensies being pulled into the picture. And just on the other side of the picture, her darling Prince Caspian (now a few years older, stronger, and undoubtedly hotter) was waiting to pull her onto his ship with strong, loving arms...

"Capsian!" she cried, dashing into the room. She could _smell_ the salt and _taste_ it in the air, _hear _the waves, _feel_ the water, _see_ the ship… She dove towards the picture—

KA-THUNK.

Mary Sue landed, head first, against a solid wall, having missed the (now quite still) picture by a comfortable thirteen inches.

_Oww… _She slid downwards against the wall into a sitting position.

Just before darkness claimed her, she thought she saw the dragon's head on the prow of the ship give a sly wink.

But, of course, that could _only_ have been her imagination.


	4. HHB: Take 1

_If you were one of the first reviewers for the last chapter (i.e., if the chapter ended with "Oww…") you might want to go back and reread it. I wasn't satisfied with the ending, but didn't think of one that pleased me until after I published it and several people reviewed. It's just an additional line or two; read it if it suits you to do so._

_In the meantime, I'm going to be rather busy for the next few weeks doing volunteer work for my church…I promise I won't completely disappear; I may or may not find time to write/post. I definitely won't be as regular as I've managed for the last few days. _

_Thank you all for the wonderful reviews! _

_God bless, _

_JotM_

**4.** The Horse And His Boy: Take 1

Shasta squinted into the sun. Beside the Tarkaan on his proud warhorse there rode a beautiful girl on a horse with a…pink?…halter. Her long dark exotic hair was blowing in the wind, her exotic eyes sparkling in the sun, and her exotic dress looking…well, exotic. But she carried a sword, so she clearly could fight as well as make exotic clothing and comb her exotic hair and put on exotic eye makeup.

The average looking (but still noble) male and the exotic girl galloped up to the lowly fishing hut. The girl was even lovelier up close, and she smiled at Shasta as she reined her horse. It reared delicately onto its hind legs and pawed the ground daintily. She raised a hand in greeting. "My name is Marivis Sueleen," she began, but paused, sniffing the air delicately… and then toppled backwards off her horse, landing in a very undignified and lifeless heap.

Shasta sniffed curiously. The air smelled as it always had, a bit hot with the pungent smell of dead fish—

Oh.

Well.

That…explained it.

The boy eyed the scene with no small amount of horror, especially as both the body and horse crumpled into a pile of pink, sparkling goo. He was brought suddenly out of his reverie by the voice of the other rider.

"Boy!" the Tarkaan snapped. "Why aren't you kneeling, you cheeky, impudent, dirty little rascal?…I'll have you flogged within an inch of your life!"

"B-but…" Shasta faltered, sinking to one knee and gesturing helplessly at the pink goo which was now melting into the dry earth. He dared not actually ask a question.

The Tarkaan shrugged apathetically. "Never cared much for _her," _he proclaimed loftily, adding mentally _'even if the Tisroc (may he live forever) said I'd be doing him a favor by taking her off his hands…'_ He sneered disdainfully at the melting pinkness. _'That frilly halter ruined my warlike image.' _And he thumped his chest a few times to reassure himself of the latter.


	5. SC: Take 1

This chapter's a bit different from the others. I've tried to make it seem as if the Mary Sue is directly perverting the fandom, and yet it's fighting back, so the characters have a subconscious saying 'what the heck is going on?!' even as they're doing really weird things. I also thought it'd be funny, since I enjoy reading stories where Eustace turns various shades of red, if the 'author' fixated on that and just used it over and over in place of any personality. So—I'm not sure if it exactly works. I had some better ideas for Silver Chair, but I wanted to write one earlier on in the timeline, and this is the best I can come up with. Perhaps I'll post some of my better ideas for Silver Chair--ones that take place later in the book--after I've finished going through all six. Hopefully this will do for now.

Thanks, & God bless.

_-JotM_

**5.** The Silver Chair

"Eustace Clarence," the girl simpered. "What a _fascinating_ name!"

The voice floated from around the corner into the damp and dirty area behind the gym, causing a red-streaked face to look up with no small amount of horror and dismay. The voice continued:

"You simply _must_ tell your parents—I may call them Harold and Alberta, mayn't I?—that I simply _adore_ their name choice, and when we are married and thinking of baby names they simply _must_ help!"

Jill nearly choked. This was _not_ the sort of conversation that the Experiment House condoned—marriage and children! She let out a queer sort of shrieking noise the next minute. It was the sort of noise one makes when one has just spent a long time crying and then receives an incontrollable urge to laugh. That was, in fact, what had just happened.

"Scrubb!" she gasped, still in the same shrieking tone. "What are _you_ doing with _Mary Sue_, discussing _baby names_ of all things?"

To his credit, Scrubb went rather red in the face, as if he really didn't _want_ to be doing this but just couldn't _help_ it.

"I'm—I'm—well, why are you crying behind the gym?" he blustered, sidestepping the question in a not-so-very-neat manner.

"I should think that would be obvious," Jill said quietly. "It's not as if I'm very _popular_ around here, is it? But what isn't obvious is what you and _her_ are doing together."

"See here," Eustace said, getting even more red in the face. "What do you know about me? You're not supposed to know _that_ much—this doesn't seem a bit like you, Pole."

"Well," Pole countered, "this isn't a bit like _you_."

"Truth be told, ever since she started hanging around, everybody's been a bit off. I wonder—" Then a strange thing happened. The intelligent light which had been growing in Eustace's eyes was suddenly shut off. His jaw went very slack and it sagged open slightly. "Er, she's…cute." He went very, very red.

Jill stamped her foot in annoyance. "What do you mean, 'she's cute'?! That's not even a proper expression!" When Eustace gave no response, she stamped her foot again. "I was talking to you, you—"

"Over here!" the sickly-sweet voice floated from the wall. "I've found a door; it probably leads to Narnia!"

Thank goodness for Mary Sue's observation skills. We might have had a lot of character-developing conversation without them. But now we know that she's really, really, really perceptive.

Eustace was babbling now—apparently there was a bit of necessary conversation that Mary Sue had effectively sidestepped—but for some reason he was getting it all over with. "Aslan—Aslan—Take us, take us…" And, oddly enough, Jill found herself babbling the same words. In a blink, it was gone, and they stared at each other before Eustace turned a deep magenta and lumbered towards the door.

Pole huffed exasperatedly. What _had_ gotten into that lout?

"It _is_ Narnia!" came an excited squeal. "Lots of grass and trees and a river and a great big cliff!"

Pole passed through the doorway and stopped short. She was quite sure there was nothing like _this_ beyond the school—but there was no time for that. She had to keep the story moving.

'_What story?! What on earth are you _doing_, Jill?' _Without time for figuring that thought out, she found herself on the edge of the cliff, hollering, "Look what I can do!"

"Pshaw, Jill," Mary Sue shoved the discombobulated girl out of the way. "That's nothing. You should see how close to the edge _I_ can get!"

As Mary Sue pranced nearer and nearer to the edge, the other two children's eyes met, and a flash of understanding passed between them. _Something was not right._

Doubtless, Eustace Clarence _was _under the girl's spell, for even he was not prepared to handle the Sue's onslaught. While Eustace maintains he was "trying to save her," perhaps his infatuation had made him stupid, for he moved so clumsily to "rescue" her that—well—he rather pushed her over the cliff and then tripped and fell himself.

Mary Sue toppled over the edge with a surprised shriek. How long she fell, we may never know, for Aslan—wisest and noblest of all lions—never saw fit to rescue her. True, he rushed to the edge and blew Eustace to Narnia—but we cannot blame him for overlooking the Mary Sue, for what kind of King is he that knowingly blows a deadly plague into his own country?


	6. TLB: Take 1

_I broke my 'Must Happen Towards Beginning Of Book' rule for this one simply because the best thing I could come up with was Mary Sue digging for the rings with Peter and Edmund and striking an electricity wire, which I'm not entirely sure would have been underground at the time, and while Mary Sues aren't famous for their historical accuracy, I thought it a bit far-fetched anyway. I may include it in my drabbles-chapter (see below). So this chapter does not take place at the beginning of the book. Apologies for the inconsistency._

_I'm not quite done with this fic yet—I've got so many little ideas rolling around that aren't quite long enough to post as a chapter, about six more per book, so I'm going to post them as drabbles—book by book, six ones per chapter. This story shouldn't be any longer than 12 chapters, though, because I want to get back to HTKANMS. _

_Finally, to answer a few questions: _

_This story is listed as "complete"— technically now it _is_ complete as of this chapter—and was listed as such because I had it all written out when I started it (as opposed to HTKANMS, which I do not even have planned out…it just sort of comes as it comes), but was posting it chapter by chapter. The large gap between updates is due to a lack of time rather than a lack of ideas. _

_I have no idea whose idea it was to call them "Mary Sues"—it certainly wasn't mine; I'm not the brilliant mind behind it! I think the _idea_ behind it, though, is that Mary Sue is a rather cliché name—Mary and Sue both being very typical. I also think it's typical of a time where using two names as a first name was popular, and the girls were very…A-type. It's kind of like Jane Doe—only instead of being an average person, it's the average wannabe-fallback; the girl that's impossibly perfect (sometimes to the point of being grotesque) and everybody wishes they were like it. So it's really a twisted self-insert—yourself as you want to be… I can talk about this for a while. I really should write a book, titled 'The Philosophy of A Mary Sue' and publish it—that way I could spare you all these little rambles and actually think through it for myself… _

_Author's note is now longer than story. Time to--exterminate!_

_Thanks, & God bless._

_-JotM_

**6.** The Last Battle

They were slipping away from the stables in the dark. Jill and Puzzle had just caught up with Eustace, Tirian, and Mary Sue. Things were turning out so nicely--they'd figured out that the stable-Aslan was a fake, just as Mary Sue had always predicted--and she was feeling quite exuberant. What happened next was born of that exuberance.

Reaching out into the dark, Mary Sue pressed a passionate kiss to Tirian's lips. Or rather, she thought she did. There was a confused (and slightly disgusted bray), and a wild shriek of laughter on Jill's part.

"I say—Jill, keep it down!" Eustace hissed. "I don't think you've got it quite yet—we're trying _not_ to get caught by Calormenes."

"I know, Scrubb," Jill snapped, momentarily annoyed. Then her former mirth overcame her. "But—oh, Scrubb—what do you think?—_Mary Sue's just_ _snogged Puzzle!"_

"She wha—ha—ha—?!" Eustace spluttered, forgetting his fear of being caught for half a second. He looked to the donkey for confirmation (a bit silly, since it was so dark), but Puzzle merely hung his head and muttered something about wishing he'd never listened to Shift in the first place.

"Ask her yourself." Jill commanded, gesturing grandly towards Mary Sue—but Mary Sue was indeed nowhere to be found. They looked around a bit, straining their eyes in the dark, and even risked a few whispered calls, but they gave up after a few minutes. In the end, nobody missed her company much—Puzzle especially.

Where had Mary Sue gone? Well—let us just say: it is possible to die of embarrassment after all.

And we may leave it at that.


	7. Six Other Ways: Magician's Nephew

_So here I'm just going to post a chapter-per-book of six other ways to kill a 'Sue. These are ideas that I thought were good but a bit too short to merit their own chapter—and I really don't want to keep this going on forever, so this limits me somewhat. Some of these were suggested or inspired during conversations with North Wyn and her younger sister Mari, so a good deal of credit and thanks to them. _

_I never owned any of this brilliant stuff, but the last line is lifted verbatim from Magician's Nephew, so I especially don't own that._

**Six Other Ways To Kill A 'Sue: Magician's Nephew** –_by JotM_

"Be careful of where you step," Polly warned. "If you miss the rafters, there's nothing stopping you from going right through!"

"Hold up!" Digory said, stopping suddenly. "What was that?" "What?" Polly stopped and turned to face the boy.

"I—I thought I heard a scream," he explained, his face turning a bit pink. "I suppose it was nothing."

Polly rolled her eyes and the two almost-friends pushed forward. Meanwhile, a heap of 'Sue disappeared in a puff of pink smoke from the dining table of the flabbergasted family below…

MN-MN-MN-MN-MN

"Hoy! Mary Sue! It's this pool, here!" Digory motioned to the pool he'd marked earlier.

"No, I'm sure it was this pool _here!_" Mary gestured to the pool in front of her.

"Mary!" Digory called sharply, for the girl was gathering herself to jump. "Don't go in that one! It looks rather—"

_Splash!_

"…deep."

They never saw her again.

MN-MN-MN-MN-MN

"_Strike the bell, you normal two, _

_And rid yourselves of the nasty 'Sue." _

Polly read the strange bell's inscription.

"Come on, Pol," Digory said impatiently. "That bell's not meant for us—we're all _three_ of us perfectly normal."

"Hang on a tic," Polly said slowly. "What did you say your name was?" she addressed the other girl, who heretofore had been silently studying her nails.

"Mary," the pink-haired creature said glibly. "Mary…Sue." Both girls paled as realization struck them, and both dove for the hammer, but Polly was quicker.

_Bong!_

The 'Sue disappeared. The children blinked. Then—

"I say, Polly, there's another bell over there!"

MN-MN-MN-MN-MN

"Who is _she_?" Digory stopped in front of one particularly beautiful statue. Jadis gave a look of heavy disdain.

"Her name is Mary Sue. She and I quarreled—we both loved a young man, the handsomest of Charnians—and when she would not relent of her pursuits of him, I used the Deplorable Word…"

"What was the young man's name?" Polly wondered (being a girl, she had more of an ear for these sorts of things).

With a sigh, Jadis responded:

"Gary Stu."

MN-MN-MN-MN-MN

"Halt, foul Witch!" Mary Sue cried, leaping over policemen and butcher's boys and Polly and Digory to land in front of the hansom. "Um…you shall not pass! Liek, NEVER!"

The next moment, Mary Sue was effectively silenced by a chunk of lamppost between the eyes.

MN-MN-MN-MN-MN

As Fledge sprouted wings (I know, I know…_sprouted_ is not the word to describe it, but this is a 'Sue fic, and we aim to disgust), Mary Sue gave a cry of delight. "That's, liek, PERFECT!" she raced towards the winged horse (which was rapidly growing more and more alarmed). "aslann, how did u know I always wanted a flying horsie!" She leapt onto Fledge's back. "ill name it…Destiny!"

Apparently, this was the last straw for Fledge. One happened next happened so fast that no one was really certain how it happened—one moment Mary Sue had dug her heels into his side, and the next she was being flung somewhere in the direction of what would later be known as Archenland. Exit Mary Sue.

In the end, the Cabby summed it up best of all by proclaiming, "I always did say as that 'oss 'ad a lot of sense!"


	8. Six Other Ways: Prince Caspian

…_the saga continues. _

** Six Other Ways To Kill A 'Sue: Prince Caspian** -_by JotM_

_.one._

"Where's Mary Sue, Su?" Peter asked.

"Well, we went to the well for a drink, and she was babbling on about—well, er—you," judging by the blush on Susan's face, she wasn't going to elaborate on the exact nature of the babblings. Suffice it to say, it must have been mind-scarring. "Then all of a sudden she saw something shiny and she ran for it like…steel to a magnet…and then she triped and went straight down the well."

"Down the well?!" Peter exclaimed, jumping to his feet. "Is she…you know…gone?"

Su blinked. "I didn't think to check, because I found the shiny thing—and it was _this_."

She held out the chess piece, and all thoughts of the missing 'Sue fled their mind. All remembrance of her escaped them shortly there after, and none of them could account for the hideous revulsion that crept through them each time they drank from that well.

_.two._

"Not me," Peter said to Trumpkin, about to indicate Edmund, but Mary Sue interrupted.

"I shall fight you, Trumpykins!" Ha! _Here_ was the chance to finally show Peter what she was capable of. He'd _surely _profess undying love for her _then!_

"I don't think that's a good idea—" Peter began, but Mary cut him off yet again.

"It'll be _top hole_," she wasn't sure what that meant, but she knew it was British…or something. "Don't worry. I'll use Edmund's sword!" She snatched said weapon from said person's belt, ignoring the "_hey!_" that came in protest.

"Er, alright…be careful, Mary Sue," Peter said somewhat tentatively.

"Psh_aww!_ Seriously, what can an ickle dwarf possibly have on _me?"_

One untimely death later, Mary Sue found out.

_.three._

"OMIGOSH!" Mary Sue squealed before Lucy had time to whisper the same thoughts to Susan. "What a little CUTIE!"

Said "cutie" stiffened and turned, fixing her with one of his deadliest glares. "_What_ did you say?" Reepicheep bit out.

"D'awwww….aren't you the darlingest ikkle cutesie-schmootsie-pie? Ess woo are!" Mary cooed. Everyone else winced.

"Iddn't 'e dust adooowabbllle?!" Mary chirped glibly. Those around her with weaker stomachs chose this moment to hide their eyes.

Reepicheep drew his blade…

_.four._

It takes two.

Normally, that's a cheesy line about true luuv.

When it comes to Mary Sue's death, however, it also takes two: one, an irritated griffin, and two, a long fall.

Next time, Mary, don't gabble on about Peter and Caspian's mutual hawtness and how you just _can't_ decide which one to be with. Especially don't delve deep into aforementioned subject when on a long night ride with a loyal subject of the kings—or rather, when at a griffin's mercy.

Why?

Talons hurt. And being dropped thousands of feet is not fun at all.

_.five._

In the midst of Caspian's enraged attempt at revenge for his father's murder and Peter and Susan's attempt to take control of the situation, Mary Sue saunters into the room.

"Hellooooo there!" she coos, giving such a convoluted mixture of coy looks and eyelash-battings that it's hard to focus on her face. "Well, my, my, _my!_" her voice lowers to what she assumes to be an attractive tone. Caspian thinks briefly it sounds like a cat coughing up a furball. "As cute as these hotties are," she winks at the two young kings, "I _also_ happen to fall for bad boys with pointy beards, throne-lust, and hawt accents."

"Really, Mary!" Susan sounded beyond shocked—her voice was high and tight, rather the sound a kettle makes when it's been allowed to boil too long. "You _might_ forget about seducing every available male once in a while—"

But Susan never got to finish her enraged speech.

No one had counted on Prunaprisma's having a crossbow, much less on the Telmarine Queen's actually using it on the 'Sue… but no one minded much, either.

_.six._

Finally, at the very end of the 'film', Mary Sue shoves Susan out of the way and attempts a long snog session (think NC-17 level) with Caspian. Halfway through the kiss, she is mauled by loyal fans and their shocked mothers—mentally, that is. In reality she was taken out by an irate Susan.

No, Susan didn't kill her directly. But Mary Sue fainted from the shock of seeing Caspian grimace at her, and was magically transported to the land of the Dufflepuds, where nobody liked her because she wasn't fat and one-footed. So she lived out her days in misery, until the day when a courier came from Narnia to take her away…

Actually, he came to notify her that she'd been slapped with a major lawsuit (in a six-figure amount) by Starr, Inc. on behalf of Ramandu's daughter.

_Then_ she died from shock.


	9. Six Other Ways: Dawn Treader

_This one actually contains seven, since I had an inspiration at the last minute and added the last one spur of the moment—and whaddya know? It's my favorite of the lot. I was thinking about the previous chapters and wishing how in the MN one I had had the Beasts chase the 'Sue and bury her, only they would decide with her immaculately styled, stiff hair that those must be the roots and stick her in that way. So I sort of did that scene, VotDT-style._

_In that light, anything that you find that appears mock-up-ish—well, I'm not trying to claim it for myself, 'cause it ain't mine._

_Also, I don't think I'll post other chapters for SC, HHB, or LB. I personally think I've worked this idea enough—perhaps a revisit will be in order when (if!) the films come out and everyone is all fangirly over Rilian and Tirian and Corin and the like, but for now this is the end of this story. I shall be returning my attention to HTKANMS and hopefully writing more CK as well…_

**SOWTKAS: **'The Voyage of the Dawn Treader' _–by JotM_

_VotDT.1_

Mary Sue was elated. She'd made it in through the picture with the Pevensies! She was finally here, where she belonged!

The truth hit her, as cold as the water she'd splashed into.

She couldn't swim.

_teh_ _gasp! _came from her mouth, followed by _teh glub…glub…glub…_

_VotDT.2_

The second time around, she had gone back in time and learned how to tread water. But since her general endurance in floatation was, oh, fifteen seconds (twenty if she was lucky), panic was still the first thing that happened when she hit the water.

Of course, she had a little time, and she made good use of it, hollering various and sundry inanities—I mean, endearing terms and entreaties in the direction of the studly Ben-Barnes-Caspian who was currently helping the Pevensies onto the ship.

Unfortunately, her makeup was washing away, not only reducing her to about half of her previous size but also filling her eyes with mascara-saturated liquid and effectively reducing her vision to nil.

"h3lp!" she screamed. "capsa1n! h3lp!"

A mouthful of water cut off any further impassioned declarations of love for several seconds. By the time her speech returned, amorous pleas for help had turned to foul language and death threats (mostly towards Caspian her tr00 lurv himself, oddly enough) but fortunately the sodden Pevensies and their cousin were on the ship and (mercifully) out of earshot, else their ears would have bled and I should have to change this story to a T-rating.

_VotDT.3_

…_yeah, you knew this one was coming. _

"Oooh, a pool!" Mary Sue cried happily. "brb!!!!11!!"

"I hate it when she does that," Caspian muttered grimly to Edmund. "All those letters and numbers—I cannot understand her."

"What do you mean, when she's all _liek rofl lol brb omg teh pwn_?" Lucy said, ending with a vapid giggle.

Caspian choked. "Eww. Don't do that ever again." Edmund nodded in agreement, his face a pale green. Even Reepicheep had shuddered.

"_liek, yay!"_ Mary Sue squealed. She came running back in, clad in a pink-and-white polka dotted bikini. "_time 2 tan!"_

While both Caspian and Edmund had been pretty resistant to the 'Sue 'till now, neither of them had seen a bikini before and were therefore unprepared for this sudden onslaught of Sue-ness. What followed cannot be considered entirely their fault.

Caspian and Edmund immediately began dueling over who Mary Sue loved more—without any verbal sparring, because good dialogue can never be in the same scene as a 'Sue—and Mary smiled condescendingly at them.

"its my beauty," she said confidently to an outraged Lucy, "happenz all teh time!" she giggled in what she thought an attractive manner and squealed, _"last one in's a rotten egg!"_

She dove into the pool.

_Splash._

When she didn't surface immediately, there was a long pause, filled only by the gradually dwindling noise of sword clashing against sword. It seemed the 'Sue's influence on the situation had waned, almost as if she were…dead.

"Eww." Lucy said, staring into the pool. "I think _she's_ turned to a rotten egg…she's all yellow-looking." Caspian and Edmund ceased their half-hearted dueling and stared at the pool.

"Er…" Caspian said, scratching the side of his head with his sword hilt. "Have I been acting stupidly?"

"_Have you!_" Lucy huffed, but did not intimate further. She settled for a reproving _hrrmph_ instead.

"Sire," Reepicheep interjected, "let us leave this place—there is some strange devilry at work here—and if I were given permission of naming the island, I should call it _Suewater._"

_VotDT.4_

**Lesson #9,435 **(taken from _Things A 'Sue Never Learned: 20,000 Ways To Kill That Mary Sue Who Just Won't Give Up _by internet-tionally acclaimed author J. Moon):

The tail of the Dawn Treader really isn't the most intelligent place to practice your poses for the next Vogue magazine photo shoot. Especially when there are sea serpents lurking about, ready to – you know – break it off and devour anything edible that happens to land in the water. Of course, the resulting sickness from eating 'Sue included mental incapacitation and general nausea was the main reason the serpent decided to leave the ship alone. I suppose that's one reason to thank Aslan for Sues—or maybe we should attribute it to Eustace's bravery and leave it at that.

Anyway, if you're having trouble getting rid of your 'Sue, scan the horizon for Sea Serpents and then suggest the photo shoot. Fortunately she isn't observant enough to realize that Narnian cameras don't exist, much less give boundless beauty to their subject with a single flash of the flash bulb. (See J. Moon's other book, _Flattery: How to Dupe A 'Sue Into Death_ for further methods.)

_VotDT.5_

Mary Sue fell for a merman. Literally. Out of the boat. Remember that whole "can't swim thing"? Of course, the general hostility of the Sea People didn't help either. To this day she insists that the act of impaling her on the trident was a result of the king's violent affection for her. Whatever floats—or rather, does not float—your boat, Mary.

_VotDT.6_

Mary Sue gets to the cave a few hours before Eustace and is busy _squee_ing over the treasure when the still-very-much-alive-and-hungry old dragon arrives. Sue a la Flambé_,_ anyone?

...And if you ever wondered why the dragon _really_ died, well...

_VotDT.7_

The girl was wondrously beautiful. Her enormous, blue, sparkling eyes were crystalline and … uh… sparkled, her hair shimmered, and she was altogether grace and loveliness itself.

…or to the 'Sue's perspective, at least. Unfortunately, she had never read the Magician's Nephew, or she might have learned that a skewed perspective of Narnia often leads to a skewed (or perhaps more accurate) perception of oneself by Narnians. Of all beings, 'Sues have the most skewed perspective. Let us see how this played out.

The 'Sue thought herself beautiful beyond compare. To the two men and mouse gaping at her on the deck of the ship on which she had suddenly and mysteriously materalised, she appeared to be some sort of monster with large, bug eyes and blindingly greasy hair. When she breathed, a puff of pink, sparkling smoke emerged from her mouth, rendering her (to them) as some sort of mysterious dragon. Imagine their astonishment to see it open its mouth and say –

"Caspian! My love! I have come at last!"

Or that's what the 'Sue _thought_ she said. It came out more like "teh capsa1n! lurrrvvv n SQuEEEEeeeeeeeeEE!!!!11!!!!!!!"

For a moment, they stood in stunned silence. Then, as Reepicheep opened his mouth, Caspian interrupted swiftly and preemptively.

"No, Reep, you may _not_ challenge it to mortal combat."

Reepicheep made a disappointed noise but bowed in submission to his liege. The men resumed their contemplation of It.

"It" was hyperventilating at the thought of being a few feet away from her 1 troo lurv and _h34r'n hurr luuurrrvv sp34k!!!!!11!!!._

"Hark, my lord, how it gasps!" Drinian remarked.

"Well spoken, Captain," Caspian answered. "I should think it is some sort of fish, the way it appears unable to breathe our air."

"If a fish, sire, then we must not suffer it to die from lack of breath while we stand gaping like fools—let us relieve it as speedily as we may." This perspective from Reepicheep seemed to ring true for all present, for rather than debating the point they took action immediately.

They advanced on the 'Sue, who was at first delighted when Caspian put his dreamy arms around her, then perplexed when the other two took charge of her feet and shoulders, and at last exceedingly alarmed when they began moving her up and towards the railing.

"No! Cease! Desist! I beseech thee! Caspian, my love, my heart, my only, my everything!" And she began fighting with all her might.

…of course, all the Narnians heard was "teh nooooooooooooo!!!1! luuuuuuurrrvvv!!!!1! haaaaaaaaalllllllppppp!!!!11!!!" Also, the "fighting with all her might" came across as more of a slight tremor in her body. ('Sues are not renowned for their strength, though they often delude themselves into being mighty at times.)

"See, my lord, how excited she is to be put back to sea! She fairly cries with joy!" Drinian remarked.

"Aye, sire, and trembles for it too!" Reepicheep added, and with little difficulty they succeeded in bearing the 'Sue to the deck's edge.

"Ready, men? Right then. Heave ho!" Caspian cried, and the 'Sue landed with a satisfying _splash._

"I believe our assessment was correct in the matter of fish, my liege and my good Drinian," Reepicheep observed, leaning so far over the rail to get a better view that his footpaws were a good several inches off the deck. "The creature clearly needed the water to survive—mark how quickly it sank out of sight!"


End file.
